How to become your best self with Adam Grant

In every industry, in every culture around the world, says Adam, there are three styles of interaction that show up time and again: people are either givers, takers, or matchers. What does that mean?

If you’re a giver, says Adam, you’re constantly asking, what can I do for you? If you’re a taker, you want to know what others can do for you; but for most people who don’t want to be taken advantage of or take advantage of others, we choose to be matchers, whereby we’ll do something for others if they do something for us.

You’d have thought, says Adam, that personality would be a key driver behind someone being original or not, that you have to be a big risk taker, an early adopter, or single minded in your conviction to be a successful entrepreneur or inventor, but the research tells a different story.

Successful entrepreneurs and inventors, says Adam, are actually more likely to be risk averse than their peers, constantly trying to avoid failure and come up with backup plans and de risk whatever options they're pursuing. They’re often late to the party, frequently procrastinating instead of rushing ahead with their first idea, because they're waiting for their best idea.

“I'd always assumed that if you're a giver, you're also an agreeable person, that you're going to be nice and warm and friendly and polite. And I found that those qualities didn't overlap at all, that there are plenty of givers who are disagreeable. They want to be helpful, but they are critical and skeptical and challenging.”

What struck Adam most about this discovery, is that often disagreeable loyalists are the ones who will challenge you the most, and who will bring original ideas to the table, because their idea of helping is to actually rock the boat. One of the best things you can do in your organization is reward the people who disagree with you, who challenge you, says Adam. Because it signals to the rest of the organization that this is desirable, valued behavior.

“One of the most important things I've learned is that a lot of people, as they start to improve at any skill or task, start to get a little complacent. And they feel like I'm a lot better than I was last year. And I'm getting lots of affirmation. And they basically stop looking for ways and reasons to grow. And that leaves them to stagnate or to plateau.”

As Adam began to conquer his fear of public speaking it went from people giving him suggestions for improvement, to people thanking him for the talk, which didn’t do anything to help him improve and become a better speaker. He then discovered that instead of asking people for feedback and getting nothing in return, when he switched tact and started asking people for advice, asking what is the one thing he could do better next time, it turned out people were more willing to give feedback, plus, they also gave more constructive suggestions.

A lot of people will say the world needs more empathy, says Adam, but what we actually need is more compassion. Empathy is feeling other people's feelings, but it can be a double edged sword. Empathy can lead you to help the people whose feelings you have an easy time relating to, but not the people who don't belong to your culture.

It’s therefore more sustainable, says Adam, to have compassion rather than empathy. Instead of feeling other people's feelings, all you have to do is notice and care about their feelings. And that makes you more likely to respond and try to alleviate whatever distress they're experiencing. We don’t need to stop being empathetic, says Adam, that’s not realistic or effective. But being more compassionate is more important and more sustainable than empathy.

And never stop learning, advises Adam. Don’t choose a job or career based on status or financial gain. Ask yourself instead, which job is going to stretch your skills the most, which organization is going to give you dedicated mentoring, and the company is invested in your long term career growth?